Brad Bieber
132 billion Followers
Brad Bieber
3 Minute Read

It was a hard struggle to the top for Brad Bieber, but once he made it he made it big: thousands of adoring fans, mansions in Malibu and glow-in-the-dark pool foam parties that made him a legend around the world. After marrying Pink following a wild night in Tokyo, Brad also became the subject of tabloid gossip. His hit song “Give Me That Pink” did little to alleviate the rumors that he was cheating on Pink with his butler and former supermodel Burton – especially after the two were photographed dancing in his infinity pool to Pink’s latest chart-topper.


Brad began experiencing low moods, dissatisfied with his life of luxury. He also started to fight with Pink. First it was small things like the style of the gold-brocade curtains at their Aspen retreat and Pink scolding him for his bad nutrition, then it was bigger topics like why was Brad away at concerts so often and why did Burton go with him? Brad’s motivation began to wane and heavy drinking and drug use took their toll. Spending thousands of dollars per day he began to rack up debts, while Pink’s reckless use of his platinum credit cards started to make a financial dent. When Brad signed over the house to Pink while semi-conscious on the couch because she said his song “I’m Super, Extra, Epic Sorry” hadn’t convinced her enough, Brad’s fate was sealed. His single “I’m Going Down Baby” did not do very well, and when Brad drove through the storefront of Pink’s signature make-up store in Beverly Hills the press went wild with fury. Nothing helped: Brad was done.


He had one last arrow in his quiver. Brad angrily wrote an autobiography called “My Struggle Against Ten Years of Fake News, Financial Fraud and Fame-Whores,” but big publishers treated it like radioactive waste and sales were subterranean. He sank deeper into debt.


It was only one year later that the infamous Brad Bieber was homeless, begging for handouts under a bridge in LA. What a ride (down) it had been. His attempt to play music on the streets of LA and a new acoustic, poetry slam piece “I’m Brad Bieber, B**tch” did nothing to make the future brighter and actually led to an altercation and short jail sentence (which was actually good for Brad as a solid meal was nothing to sneer at by that point even if it tasted like cardboard.


Things were looking low. Pink never even texted him on his used flip phone. Sometimes Burton would give him a quick call, but usually he was busy serving Pink. Brad didn’t like the sound of that but he had no time to be jealous: he was too focused on finding cigarette butts and a new tent.


Then one day it all changed, because of a bag. To be specific, it was a great f*cking bag. The day he saw it in a shop on the main avenue, Brad’s parched lips even cracked into a smile. He somehow knew deep down that this bag could be the start of his entire comeback. He told Old Bill at the end of the on-ramp about the bag and Bill’s eyes started to get misty. This was the kind of bag people dreamed of. Bill told him to steal it, but Brad knew he could never do such a thing to such a beautiful, functional bag. Such a great f*cking bag deserved respect and fair play.


Instead, Brad worked for two months as hard as he could. He started singing more positive songs and people started stopping to listen – and applaud. His favorite new creation “Bag of Dreams” even got a short spot on the local news. Shortly thereafter Brad proudly walked into the shop and purchased his Anvanda bag. He walked out like he was ten feet tall and not even hungover.


The bag immediately changed his life.  To start with, his canvas and leather bag just made him feel good. This was a city bag with style. This was real living. He felt like more of a man, like the man he had been before Pink. In addition, it came in handy right away. When Brad went to use the bathroom facilities at Wal-Mart and saw that the floor was covered in dirt and I don’t want to know, Brad made use of the metal hooks on his great f*cking bag to suspend it on the side of the stall and keep it nice and clean. What a bag! The antibacterial bag liner made sure that snacks and supplies Brad put in his bag stayed clean and that his towel didn’t get as much bacteria on it. Brad’s acne began to go down from the lessening of germs and his enthusiasm for life came back. He wrote a new reggae and hip hop song called “I Wanna Bag With You” that placed midway on the Indie Charts. Burton even called to congratulate him.


Brad never left his tent without his bag. Within a year he was back on the charts and being profile by MTV: The Incredible Comeback of Brad Bieber. It had indeed been quite the comeback, but this time Brad knew he would be OK. He began living a healthy lifestyle, rented a modest apartment in Koreatown and started doing yoga. He got a tattoo that said Play On, which also became the title of his next album. Brad Bieber was back, and his bag was always on his back. He thanked the bag gods for the day he had stumbled upon his Great F*cking Bag. Sometimes it was the little things that turned everything around and made life good again.

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