When you embark on a mighty quest, ready to really give your best, with a great frakkin' backpack at your side… And now, let's cut the crap with the poetry. You ain't goin' on a quest. More likely a lunch at grandma. Or a hike. Either way, shit can get real at any point, and the solution may be just behind you. So here's what to carry in a backpack and be cool while doing it.
What to Carry in a Backpack First and Foremost? A Bit of Rope
The best friend of any trekker. Period. If you have any beef with that, there's a guy who'd like a (s)word with you.
Gadgets of All Kinds and Sizes (Yeah, Sizes)
You'd feel like a real sucker if you get stranded in the wilderness without your faithful laptop, right? Then put it in a backpack. Anvanda has all you millennials in mind when designing its products. There's space for a laptop (or a desktop computer, we discriminate not) and all the phones, chargers, e-Readers, POS terminals, calculators, iWatches, and other nano-gizmo shiat you might wish for. That's why, honoring the endless versatility of younger generations and their need for useless crap at any given moment, our bags come in more than one size.
And Cthulhu forbid anything goes out in the middle of all-important work you're doing. Surfin' da web and getting to ever darker niches of Por… um, Wiki, is way too important to be left to chance. Fear not! While some lame backpacks may hang you out to dry (maybe with the help of your own rope,) Anvanda's Great Fucking Bag comes with a USB port, so you can charge anything anywhere. Forest or public transport. Ain't that freakin' lovely?
Backpack Can Make You Look F*cking Cool, but Some Things You Do on Your Own
While you keep to the concrete and asphalt, it's all fine since the home sweet home is never far away with all the amenities of the modern world. And because of all the corona stuff going on, all you might need is a disinfectant, and great frakkin' backpacks can house hundreds of those. On such occasions, you can even use a mini fucking bag and lose none of the appeal.
But, sometimes, the path will take you far from home, and you'll need to get clean. So dedicate one pocket in your ama-f*cking-zing backpack to soap, wet wipes, tissues, and his majesty deodorant. It won't summon bears but can very well attract the opposite sex. Especially if you're the only one in the area that has it. Who's the wimp now, eh?
Starving Ain't Fun, So Have a Snickers
Long commutes are a drag. Walking for hours in nature is not very different. Therefore, every once in a while, a refreshment is in order. A bottle or 10 of water will do just fine (plastic or no, we don't judge,) as well as good ole snacks. A chocolate bar, potato chips, popcorn, or a steak - all can fit on your back. Sometimes you just can't escape verses...
What? That's not enough? Fine. We got it. Anvanda's great freaking bag isn't a fridge, so if you carry perishable food in it, it will get spoiled over time. So far, so ordinary, eh? BUT! you won't smell a God damn thing while the backpack is closed. And neither will nearby animals looking for an easy snack themselves. That's how we roll and protect you while on a stroll. Ok, we're stopping. Pinky promise.
Aaaaaanyways, while on a romantic picnic under the moonlight, you won't fail to impress missus every time she feels like having a bite.
Reading is Fun, so Have a Book
Immersing yourself in different worlds is a jolly good time. And that's where the books come in. On a bus, on a train, under the tree, in a cave, sometimes even while walking (if you're nimble mothaf*cker,) you can leave the dreary path of life and fly to Hogwarts or Middle Earth, or maybe even Arkham if you're not afraid of cosmic horror.
Real books have many advantages over their electronic cousins. For starters, they're heavier and therefore harder to lose. They smell better. Font size is set in the paper (because, you know, paper beats stone.) And so on.
And then there's providing a setting for a perfect Dick pic.
Not a Bookworm? Then Pack Different Kind of Fun
Not all people can read. Or want to, which is basically the same. But fear not. Anvanda's great freaking bag can be a source of many a fun morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Assuming you're not that awkward kid who goes camping in the mountains alone, there are loads of shit that can be packed. Balls, for one. You can easily be that dork who plays catch with his friends or tries to score a goal. There's only one rule - never use Great F*cking Bag as a post. It's too frakkin' awesome for that.
So what else can you do? You can try with cards. The good thing about them is that one Anvanda bag can fit hundreds of decks at least. Uno, poker, Magic the Gathering, you name the shit, it can fit. And even better, with so many decks, you can win all day long, and there won't be enough time for your co-campers to prove you're cheating.
And finally, the kings of quality time - board games. You can fit a lot of them in a backpack but beware. Though Lovecraftian themes may fit well with the camping site in the middle of the forest, you may unknowingly perform some eldritch rite and invite Shub Niggurath to a party. And her young. If you have such concerns, Munchkin or Battlestar Galactica will do fine. So say we all!
Methods of Identification
To stay on the supernatural turf, say you come out of the woods, and suddenly you don't know where on the frakkin' Earth you are. Great backpack packing skills can come to your rescue if you took everything into account and thought about all the shit that can happen.
Remember when we said that Great F*cking Bag comes with a lot of space and a lot of pockets? One of them is perfect for your ID, passport, driver's license, and such model citizen's documents. But there's one more awesome sh*t in store for you!
You won't get far anywhere without some moolah. Cash, plastic, crypto - it will fit into Anvanda's high-quality Great F*cking Wallet. Aside from being made from the best Italian leather, this wallet is a gadget in its own right. It can hold many a card, and it is equipped with a technology preventing malevolent f*ckers from electronically robbing you.
How to Survive in a Wilderness - Easy if You Know What to Pack
It's 'bout time to bring the shit back into the real world once the fun is over. We ain't sayin' to go full Hermione Granger with her enchanted handbag (not nearly as awesome as ours, of course,) but be prepared. Have with you a flashlight (and batteries,) a book about mushrooms (in case you went out without food or ate it all,) and above all his royal majesty - a mosquito repellent. Trust us, we know our shit. We lived it.
Weather Can Be a Nasty F*cker - Be Ready for It
Black clouds are gathering, rain begins, and you and your optimistic party are all in your sneakers and T-shirts in the middle of the field between slates of trees. Horror scene unfolding right in front of your eyes? Not necessarily, especially if bolts of lightning are involved. And while your friends are desperately trying to find some shirts in their lousy bags to cover their heads, you come forth as a hero of the day! For you have not only raincoats in your Great Fucking Backpack, but jackets and few umbrellas as well. How so? Because you own the greatest of all Great Fucking Bags - Anvanda v2.
It has all the advantages of previous editions and then some more. It can open from either side, can be held on all sides, and can carry a shitload of stuff. What more can you wish for?
First Aid Kit
No matter how awesome any of us is, sometimes things go south and shit happens. And you wouldn't want to be in a tight spot without a way to help yourself or a friend. So have a small bag with basic medicines, bandage, and band-aid, as well as a dose or two of anti-allergy injections. Don't end up shouting "A medicine! A kingdom for fucking medicine!" You won't be remembered for it.
Navigate Your Way Out of Any Setting
Sure thing, some of you were boy/girl scouts once and learned to read stars, moss, or the sides of a mushroom that may or may not be poisonous. The rest of us (and scouts who forgot the lore) can't take those chances. Our shit's too damn significant in a grand scheme of things. So we turn to tech.
Not to sound like wimps, but don't go beyond civilization without navigating tools, such as portable GPS. And a mobile phone that can catch a signal anywhere.
Swiss Army Knife - the King of Useful Tools
We've been through numerous shit, useful and not, in this Great F*cking Guide to Packing a Great Fucking Backpack. But it would never be complete without the most badass invention of humankind (after cheese, we have to admit) - a Swiss Army Knife. And if it's good enough for Bear Grills, we have no objections. You can cut and stab with it, file your nails, and open a bottle of cold beer. Even pop up a cork from an excellent wine bottle after a cozy afternoon with bae.
And, of course, you can defend yourself from invaders, futile though it may seem.
Now the Shit's Covered, You Can Head Out and Enjoy Your Great Fucking Backpack
Now you're all set to hit the road and seek adventure where you will. With your trusting backpack and all the smart shit you've just read, nothing can surprise you. And once you see Anvanda's Great Fucking Bags in action, you'll keep coming back for more. Women will absolutely love you as an icon of style and awesomeness. Just beware of the arrows to the knees.